What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
