I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
