im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
