I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
