White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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