i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
