Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
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he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
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Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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