he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
