He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
