You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
