you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Randomize
