The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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