my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
