just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
