Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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