Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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