Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
handjob tips. give me some.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
