Your face is a jimmy john
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
My bed smells like the plague
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
