I think my vagina is haunted
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
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