I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
