She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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