Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I came so hard my ears popped.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
