So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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