Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Randomize
