Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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