Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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