...so i touched it.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
