Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
