dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
