so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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