You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
