i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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