Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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