how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
