A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
