i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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