just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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