I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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