Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
