I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
