I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
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I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
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I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize