my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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