Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Couch. On fire.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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