Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
