I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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