i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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