if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
