i permit you to call me
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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