my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
you're hired as official boob wrangler
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
