yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
