she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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