Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
So apparently I’m into choking now
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
