If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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