just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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